Your are my heart and soul.

Without you my life is empty.

So empty.

I try and fill it but I am always restless, always trying to distract myself.

I hate this and I hate myself for loving you with all my heart. And I hate myself for loving Andy and for talking with Luke. 

I still cry over you

even now while I am typing this

the tears come and fall down my cheeks

I know we were meant to be together. Its like a knowledge inside me like how to breath 

its instinct.

You said the same when I spoke to you yesterday. So why are we apart. Why are you with him? 

I would move half the world over to be with you and start over again.

I would give everything up in a second.

Would you?

I would give up Andy who I love dearly.

I would give up my children and any chance I had left to see them.

am I crazy… to think like this.

god help me why do I still do this to myself.

Well.. here we are still alive and breathing… 

wondering if this is all our life is going to be now.

Is this all it is, do I thrive on life and death feelings and decisions

wondering if that is why I am feeling an internal feeling of boredom.

Are the others so bored that they want that.

Or am I.

I have all the things they like to do and yet they do nothing.

Go figure…

You stole my life, you raped me of my body, you tore my heart in two and as it shuddered and stopped, you stole my soul, my present and my future.

I look at myself and I know I am an injured and cornered animal. Just waiting to die, waiting for the right moment to flee this life and hope to god I have no other. 

You stole my safety, that feeling of being loved and protected by what a father is supposed to be. 

Never will I ever trust anyone because of you. I can show love, I can show emotions. I am very good at pretending now. I can pretend a normal life. A boring life. A life of paying rent, the bills and being a good parent to my children. And sometimes I can believe that everything is ok.

But you and I both know it is all just a dream, a mask to what hides behind my eyes. Tortured and wounded I don’t know I will ever be happy, so long you hurt me, such pain goes deep and scars never go away. 

If you were still alive maybe, maybe I would ask you “Why?” whoever knows the mind of a madman. For only sick and twisted people could do what you did to me. Even think of doing to their children.

The pain is alive this afternoon. Twisted deep within my heart it stirs and twists, hurting me in such a way that I want to hurt myself to make it go away. 

Just make it go away.. sobbing.. I don’t want it… I don’t want it… make it go away please… please. 

I don’t want to hurt. Why why did he do this to me… I was a good girl… I am a good little girl.. I did no wrong.. I did nothing wrong.. why! why!… screaming… screaming… I hate you!… I hate you! How could you do this to me.!?